Earth meets Sky

April 14, 2009, 17:26
Filed under: Blogroll

J and I had our “engagement” photo session last Friday. It was supposed to be earlier, but between J’s and my crazy-ass-backward incompatible work schedules made it difficult to arrange a day that I and J could both attend. And, you know, I wanted us both in the pictures. Luckily, the cherry trees here cooperated and were at full bloom during our pictures, so I was quite happy. On Monday I was driving around for work and noticed most of the trees had shed their blossoms during the weekend, so we got them done in the nick of time.

Our photographer rocks, she posted a few choice photographs on her blog:

We’re currently the top entry, Desiree & Justin (gasp! now the internet knows J’s name! run awayyyyyy). And looking damn hot, if I say so myself! Our photographer loves blog comments, if you take a look add some kudos to her post!


I’m being a beeotch!
March 20, 2009, 21:11
Filed under: Blogroll

I’ve decided I need to smack myself and look at the good things in life, and not be so ungrateful because things could be much worse.

I’m grateful J and I have our health. Mine has been pretty good lately and I am thankful that my numerous problems haven’t been a problem of late.

I’m grateful J and I have jobs. J has a job flying, though the job itself isn’t ideal for him or me, at least he still gets paid to fly. I work for a very good company and I enjoy my coworkers a lot, and it can be fulfilling, even if I sometimes wish I could do something else.

I’m grateful that I will have my first chance to visit Europe soon, on our honeymoon. I haven’t had a vacation in years and I really can use it, and cannot wait for this adventure with J.

I’m grateful I’m marrying a loving, caring man that I love dearly. J is one of the kindest people I have ever met, and I adore the little things he does like how he’ll reach to hold my hand when we sitting next to each other, or hold me close while we walk around.

Good day, Bad day
March 20, 2009, 19:26
Filed under: Blogroll

I got a haircut (finally) today. Well, a trim really. I’ve been growing it long for my wedding hairstyle but the ends were ratty and needed upkeep. It looks much better now, but I can’t wait until after the wedding and I can whack it. I love my hair and I like it long, but it’s TOO long right now and I need some easy-maintenance short(er) hair for a while. J went and got his styled too, a first for him, he looked really good. We both made appointments to get a touch up a bit before the wedding.

It was so nice to just sit back and be taken care of during the haircut/styling. I’ve been working a ton of long days since the beginning of the year, generally a minimum of 48 hours a week and usually more. It’s good because we need the extra money so we’re not broke after the wedding, but it’s worn me out so much. I really need to just bit the bullet (I’m pretty cheap by nature) and every now and then spend a little on TLC for myself. I hate to spend it though, I always think how it could be better saved or spent on something useful we could use or J would like or we need…

I think my lack of self-care contributed to the meltdown I had afterwards. I kind of just lost it on J in general. He has many talents but he has a bad tendancy to procrastinate and just avoid doing things in general. I can be a procrastinator too, but when it comes to those I love I’m really motivated to do things for them or whatnot to show I care. I was unduly harsh I think on J, because I felt he never did anything for me; I felt like it’s always about what he feels like doing (or not doing) and he doesn’t often make much effort to do something for me to make my day a little better. As an example, he doesn’t call me during the week to chat or say hi, even though we generally only get to see each other saturday and sunday. He sits around the house reading message boards and playing video games, and he’ll send me a few texts during the day about nothing in particular and that’s about it. He rarely does any chores or housework, though he often says he means to and wants to, just can’t motivate himself to actually do it. I feel a bit jipped about it, as when he was working long 12+ hour days I would cook, clean, tidy, whatever needed done in general in my free time when I was home, so when he got home we could spend the couple hours before bed together. I would only ask him to help with chores on the weekend. Now I’m the one working long hours, he’s at home for hours on end fooling around on his computer and nothing is getting done around the house until the weekend and I go on a cleaning spree. J has said several times that he feels bad about it but he also hasn’t changed what he does (or doesn’t do). He said today he would try and step up his efforts.

Other than than housework, I don’t think he really gets how hard this pilot lifestyle is for me. It is not at all what I envisioned my life to be like, and right now it seems like almost nothing I want out of life is compatible with his career. I want to have a kid or two, and he says he does as well, but with his current (and typical pilot schedules in general) it seems impossible to make work with my career. There isn’t anyone nearby that I could rely on to help me if/when I have to work late (as the past three months have shown I often do), and J’s schedule will never be flexible enough for him to accomodate those times. Daycare is an option, but it would have to be open extremely early and running pretty late, as my job can start very early and go very late if I’m in the field. Sometimes I have to be out of town for fieldwork and don’t come home at all during the week (not every day but several times a year it happens, and last summer it went on for 8-10 weeks straight). What would we do then? Full time parental care? My parents live an hour away, his mom lives 1.5 hours away over a mountain pass which are dicey in winter. My mother is pretty mentally unstable and I wouldn’t trust her to care for a child unsupervised, my dad works full time, and J’s mom is still raising his teenage brother and sister and is working full time and has extremely minimal income.

While I generally enjoy my current job, and it’s extremely stable and I’m very good at it, I would love to pursue photography as a career. I’ve got a talent for it and have sold a few prints in the past, but there’s a huge investment to get into it seriously and we don’t have the money. I’m the breadwinner of the two of us, and even if we had the money to invest in it we would probably have to live with my parents if we relied on J’s salary.

I feel my options are:

I could quit my current job which I generally enjoy but am unsure if I want to do for a lifetime, but then we’d be broke, couldn’t afford to live on our own much less have a child, and couldn’t afford to pay for me to start up my photography career (not to mention this is not the ideal economic time to start a “luxury” business so to speak). I don’t believe I would find being a full time mom fulfilling at all, so I would need to do something I find rewarding besides raising a child.

I could continue working my current job, working for an extremely stable and successful company that has a great group of people I enjoy working with/for. I’m considered a great asset and make pretty good money. Sometimes I really get tired of it though, it’s hard working long hours like I have been lately, and sometimes it just seems to repetitive. I couldn’t fit children into this situation in any way that I can see right now, however. When I’m *not* doing fieldwork I would be able to be pretty flexible in my schedule, but my fieldwork stuff is not flexible at all, and J would not be able to step up during those times to help out in turn.

I feel I can’t win. While J is perfectly content and happy because he has all he wants, I think I resent him right now. It’s not fair to him, but it’s hard when I feel like I compromise the things I want and he has it all and compromises nothing. J had no good suggestions on how to fix the situation, and feels bad that I feel this way, but also doesn’t know what he could do help. Maybe I’m just not cut out for being a pilots wife; honestly there is no other person I’d rather share life with than J, I just don’t feel like I’ll get a chance to live it…

A gentle rain
February 27, 2009, 23:53
Filed under: Blogroll

I am feeling better.  Not angry, just mildly depressed about life but that’s an improvement from where I was yesterday.  I did get to see J today as I got done with work early and Fridays he has a late show time.  Luckly I was able to calmly discuss the issues that had been making me angry, and thankfully for both our sakes J has made some progress on a number of things, and had neglected to keep me informed of said progress.   J also feels bad that I seem to be doing all the sacrificing in our relationship so he can do what he wants.  He said he wasn’t aware of how I felt about the wedding (not sure how that’s possible considering how many times I’ve told him a variation of  “I don’t want this kind of wedding, I’d rather have the two of us on a beach somewhere nice and whoever wants to come can show up.” but whatever.  Men.). It’s obviously too late to change it now.

He says he doesn’t care about the parking space (but it makes me worry having him walk one or more blocks to even get to our apartment complex from the street parking at 1am) and I should just go out and do things if I want in the evening rather than worry about stranding him up a spot.  Other than that he isn’t sure what to do or what I want that he can do for me, and I guess I don’t know either.  He can’t will his job to be more abiding with what I want in a schedule, or what I would want to have kids.  We don’t have money for a house down-payment with the wedding expense.  He asked me if I wanted him to quit his job – part of me inside screamed yes! but I said no, and I honestly mean it.  He would be more than likely be unhappy doing anything else, and he once told me that he’d rather die than not be able to fly.

The sad thing is, part of why I said no was because I know he loves me for supporting him in his career.  We are having a nondenominational officiant conduct our wedding ceremony, and she gave us questionnaires to fill out to help her create a personalized wedding ceremony based on our beliefs, lives, relationship, etc.  One of the questions was “what does your partner love about you?” and I drew a complete blank.  The only decent answer that occured to me was that he loves me for supporting him in his career as a pilot.  I’m embarassed to admit that that is all I could/can think of, I haven’t confessed it to J but I should, I suppose.

J has always had issues writing.  He’s fine at it but he absolutely hates it and says he can never think of what to say or of good things to write.  He had/has extreme issues with the questionnaire.  I don’t think he ever actually did most of it, but he assures me he’s been talking to our officiant about it and “taking care of it.”  He says he knows there are many times he’s thought of “good” answers to many of the questions, but now he can’t remember what they are.  On the one hand it’s understanable, I also can have a hard time thinking of examples/stories/whatever on the spot when asked, but on the other hand, ouch goes my self-esteem.  Even HE can’t express what he loves about me.  I have no doubt he does, believe me, it just stings to think he can’t even come up with a sentence as to why.

I think the questionnaire fiasco combined with some libido issues we’ve been dealing with (his schedule doesn’t help with THAT either – sex available only on saturday and sunday??  I’m going crazy by tuesday!) has made me feel very low on the confidence scale this month.   I’m not horrible looking – I’m proportionate, I have curves and nice boobs,  muscle tone, and pretty hair.  I have a nose that’s a bit too big and straight from my English ancestors but regardless I should feel sexy and confident in my 28-and-a-half year self, and I know this and part of me still does.  But it struggles lately; it’s hard when you’re feeling a bit un-reassured emotionally and starved for physical affection from your partner.  I was feeling it bad today –  if a random male had honked at me or had given me a compliment I would have probably started crying from feeling some validation as a woman.  Tomorrow’s a new day, though.  This too will pass, and I’ll get my groove back soon, I hope.

Psychotic rantings
February 26, 2009, 18:34
Filed under: Blogroll

I seem to only post when I have to let off steam.  It doesn’t give the best impression of me or my life but it’s better than breaking things, I suppose.  I don’t know if it’s hormones or work stress or what, but J is seriously on my bad side.  His career pisses me off right now, I always have to sacrifice things I want so he can do what he wants – where we live (now and in the future for his dream job), my job (eventually, so he can have his dream job), when we have kids (who the hell knows, but I wanted them before I was 30 and it’s not going to happen unless it’s an oops), things I want to do with him or solo (can’t because of his effing schedule, and can’t because if I don’t nab a parking space early on in the afternoon he has no where to park at 1am).

The whole reason he got this job was because I said I would really like to have him home daily to have a somewhat “normal” life for a while.  He said ok, this job will work, I’ll be home every day.  He conveniently forgot to mention the part about the home time being from 1am to 415pm – when I’m asleep or at work.  Luckily for us (for a while) he immediately got upgraded to a different plane and a different, daytime schedule, where I got to see him awake for about 2.5 hours a day.  The pisser is now that he’s downgraded he’s back to the schedule he was supposed to have and I never see him.  I shouldn’t be mad at him for what he told me ( and didn’t tell me) about this job when he applied and accepted it.  It’s in the past, but damn I am pissed at him and it’s my damn blog and I can rant if I want to.  So there.

Oh this is good too – he has had a tax “issue” for a while.  Two, actually.  Ongoing for several YEARS, in fact.  He says one of them is a reporting error by the company he used to work for and he has to call them to get it fixed, the other I have no idea really, something to do with a business he co-owned for about a year and Iowa state taxes because the other guy lived there, or something.  I told him countless times he should get it taken care of, and he agreed.  After we got engaged, I told him it had to be taken care of before we got married because I didn’t want the IRS or whomever coming after me for the issue, or it affecting me in whatever way – I’m not really sure if it would but I’m very proud of my perfect credit and history of no monetary issues, and I want to keep it that way.  He said he would take care of it.  He hasn’t.  Wedding is under 2.5 months away, and he’s still getting mail regarding his issues – in fact they’re starting to try to collect from his monetary accounts.

Guess what?  We have a joint account – and since he opened it it’s primarily under his name.  Guess what else?  He has NO money in any of his other accounts because he’s been trying to pay off his debt before the wedding.  Guess what they’re going to eventually get into because there’s nothing else to collect from in his name, and who’s the sugar momma who’s contributed easily 70-90% of the account’s funds?  The joint account, and me.  #)@$#^%&*.   It’s what we use to pay bills and rent, the occasional date, and will pay for part of our wedding.  And it’s going to get siphoned out because he couldn’t get his ass in gear for god knows how many YEARS and just make a phone call to get it sorted out.  And our wedding is upcoming, and honeymoon, which will be an unreasonable drain on our funds to begin with.  Oh I’m sorry – MY FUNDS.  Since J is broker than broke guess who’s paying for it out of their savings?  Me.  My dad offered to help a little, as did J’s dad.  J dropped it on me last night that he doesn’t think his dad will contribute to the wedding anymore because his big windfall never happened – which J was previously very confident about and used it to convince me to spend more than I wanted to in the first place.

Actually, the whole #(%*& wedding was his idea, I had my heart set on a semi-elopement, just go somewhere lovely like St. John (which I looooove), get married on the beach with our parents, and whomever else wanted to come like grandparents and siblings, then continue on somewhere or just hang out there for a honeymoon.  Simple, romantic, and if we spend money at least it’s on a good time for us.  I don’t enjoy dropping 6 grand or more on ONE day for a bunch of people to show up for a few hours, eat, drink, then go home, and then subsequently complain (like my mom ALREADY has started to) about something or another they didn’t like about it.  Freaking retarded if you ask me.  J wasn’t convinced, and he had his heart set on having a “real” wedding and gave me a speech about how he wants his mom to be able to go to his “real” wedding and have a good party, and how he wants to have that “life experience.”  So, compromise.  Pissy bitch that I am right now, I feel like he always gets his way.  I already covered that though (see paragraph 1).

I was hoping ranting would make me feel better, but I’m just angrier.  At least J works nights and I won’t see him for another day and a half, so I can’t take it out on him.  He ignored me all day today, probably pissed at me for being upset that he (once again) volunteered our apartment for people to stay at without asking me first.  A while ago J volunteered (without asking me) our apartment for his dad to stay at  leading up to the wedding a couple days.  Normally fine, but J works nights and I have never met his dad.  I’m hella shy and socially inept – I cannot make small talk for the life of me.  Hence, I felt uncomfortable, and voiced this to J, but told him his dad could still stay, he’s his dad after all, and he was offering to help pay for some of the wedding.  Now his dad is bringing his girlfriend along, and J re-offered to let them BOTH stay here.  Once again, he didn’t ask me, just told me afterwards that it’ s done.  HELLO??  I just told him less than a week ago how I felt being forced to host his dad solo having never met him before, and how I wish he would ask me before volunteering and WTF?  Not to mention our apartment is not spacious, it’s full of crap that he won’t throw away or organize, and I’m seriously doubtful we can make room for two people to sleep.  He makes me freaking pissed sometimes…  He’s done the same thing before for his mom in the past, it pissed me off but at least I know and like her – and I told him then, too, to ASK ME FIRST.  If he DID bother to ask me regarding his dad there’s a 99% probablility I’d say yes, but I want to be ASKED before I’m volunteered to play hostess alone to people I don’t know.  Fuck, I pay for 80-90% of the apartment, bills, everything else; if nothing else my financial contribution warrants an opinion.  All I want is to be asked before he volunteers me/our place for people.  Sometimes I think I should become a lesbian, men suck.  Someone shoot me!!! GAH!

Maybe I’ll feel better by Saturday morning.

January 28, 2009, 20:47
Filed under: Blogroll

I’m exhausted!  Working 12+ hour days in the field in the cold, and occasionally wet and windy, weather really takes it out of you.  Add in J working nights now until whenever luck smiles upon us, and I’ve had a miserable past 7 days.  I want to see my fiance, and sleep in!  I’m feeling very sorry for myself right now, only because I can’t during the day at work or else I’d go crazy and be unable to function.  So here’s my 5 minutes of wallowing.

Sometimes it sucks being the sugar momma, I normally like my company and job, but this project is taking it out of me big time.  Being a bum sounds sooo good right now.  I’d get to see J awake, I could sleep in, I could stay warm, I could have a good hair day, I could have clothes not spattered with mud and water, I wouldn’t have to deal with annoying people for work….. oh man.  I could have time to play with and learn my new camera so I can actually use it on our honeymoon, I could accomplish so much that still needs to be done for the wedding.  But we couldn’t afford the wedding or honeymoon if I quit, much less rent.  I just have to keep repeating that it’s only temporary, I’m strong, I can do it!  If only I believed it….  If only it were Friday night, then I could get a temporary respite!

Damn responsibility, I wish I were a kid again!

December 22, 2008, 22:24
Filed under: Uncategorized

We’ve had a great – no, awesome storm this past weekend.  We FINALLY got a healthy amount of snow, so much, in fact, that I couldn’t even make it out of our apartment complex parking lot and I had a “snow day” from work.  Hopefully my Prius can make it out tomorrow, I’ll probably go stir crazy if I have to stay home again.  I really wish J was here to experience it, and to lend me some credibility to go play.  A coworker of mine agreed that it would be weird for a 28-year-old woman to be sledding and making igloos alone.

It’s probably more snow than I’ve seen in the Puget Sound area in a long long time, perhaps ever.  J will hopefully take his checkride tomorrow morning (weather permitting) and then he will hopefully be able to get a flight out Tuesday afternoon/evening.  The airport here is a mess from the snow, but from what I’ve heard it’s mostly people trying to fly out, not in.  They are predicting another storm moving in late Tuesday night, though, so if he isn’t able to leave until Wednesday (as he’s currently scheduled) it could get iffy.   As my future MIL would say, your thoughts create (or at least influence) reality, so here’s to positive thinking.

I can’t wait for the reunion!  That’ll be the best holiday gift this year.